Route 666 Read online

  Getting to the crackers meant passing the shelves of potato chips and nuts. A can of mixed nuts and one of each flavor of Pringles joined the stuff in her cart. After getting the Ritz crackers, she realized that they’d get thirsty eating all of this. The end cap had twelve packs of Yoo-hoo. She put that in the cart and hurried off to the self check out before she bought out the rest of the store. She scanned the items, deciding against using a bag. She paid and put the items back in the cart before hurrying back to Connie.

  “What is all that?”Connie asked her, looking wide-eyed at all the stuff Lexie was putting in the back seat.

  “I decided to get some snacks for the road for tomorrow.”

  “Oh, good idea. Probably would’ve been cheaper at the Commissary.”

  “I know, but we’re here now and I didn’t see going to the other side of the base tomorrow and dealing with a Commissary horde just for that when we were stopping here tonight. Wouldn’t have been cheaper with the added gas.”

  “True,”

  Lexie closed the rear door and pushed the cart to the nearby corral.

  “I hate to say this,” Connie said as Lexie got into the car.

  “What?” Lexie asked her, as she started the car.

  “They gave us some of that diet lemonade instead of Coke. I only noticed it while you were inside.”

  Lexie backed out of the space. “They can just make do.”

  “Yeah, they can.”

  “So, we’re leaving to go see Daddy tomorrow?”

  “Yup. We'll start going that way, anyway. Not driving flat out. It’s not like we know where our alien boogie man has leapfrogged off to next.”

  Lexie turned back onto Eglin Parkway.

  “That’s true. How about I look and see if there’s any weird news online that might be him?”

  “Great idea. We’re on our dream road trip too, so until we see something, we’re going to enjoy ourselves the way we planned,” Lexie said, her tone brooking no argument.

  “Yeah, buddy!” Connie crowed. “Let’s look up some tourist traps to stop at along the way. Ohhhh, and some cool places to eat. Not just chains. Let’s do this right.”

  “Sounds like we have a plan.”

  The two sisters talked over types of tourist traps they wanted to keep an eye out for.

  “We need to stop at the kitschy places too,” Connie insisted. “So, gator farms and stuff like that, too.”

  “Ha! Better have the guys stay in the car, then. I can just see Nash and maybe Nelson becoming a gator snack.”

  Connie laughed. “Give that gator a belly ache, too.”

  Lexie laughed as she slowed down at the gate. When the MP waved them through, they drove the short distance to the Bayside Inn. “Change of plans. Just gonna go through the Burger King drive through for breakfast ,” she told her sister.

  “That’s fine with me. Actually, I think I’ll just finish my cake for breakfast.”

  “That’s a good idea. I can have the rest of my pie. We can just order coffee, then.”

  “Works for me. The guys can eat some of that stuff you bought.”

  Lexie parked. “Okay, help me carry this stuff in. It’s going to take more than one trip.”

  “Yeah, that might be because you went in for a couple of things and bought out the store.”

  “Oh, hush. You know how that is. You go in for one thing…”

  “Uh huh, I do. We best put the Yoo-hoos in the fridge when we get in.” Connie waited for Lexie to open her car door for her. “Ugh,we need to get this food inside so they’ll shut up.”

  Lexie laughed as she opened the passenger side door. “As if that will stop them.” She took the drinks holder. “Those two talk even more than you do.” She hurried to the door of their room before Connie could give her a come back.

  Chapter 8

  A Skeeter Way, A Skeeter Way

  “What the hell are you doing?” Lexi snapped as her bottle of Yoo-hoo jolted in her hand and spilled down the front of her top. “Aw, hell, no, Connie!”

  “Yup! We said we’d keep an eyeball out for old timey Florida roadside attractions! And look! This here little road goes to where those dinosaurs peeking out of the weeds and trees are.”

  “I fell off the seat back there,” Nelson bitched. “You need to drive more careful.”

  “Next place with a pet store, I vote we get seat belts!” Nash said.

  “I don’t think they make them in size rat,” Lexi informed him. “Ricky’s Dino World,” she read aloud from a rickety sign that looked as if it was about to topple over.

  “What? Then how do people take their pet rats to the vet?” Nash demanded.

  “A cage, bruh,” Nelson informed him. “Or a small transport box.”

  “Get me one of them then! I don’t wanna die by being flung around in the car thanks to a maniac driver. Look, I got my feet all stuck in the peanut butter now.”

  “Ewww,” Connie said. “Oh, goody. I was getting worried from the state of things that this place was closed down, but look, there’s a guy coming out of that trailer and waving at us.”

  Lexie let out a resigned sounding sigh. “You two pipe down back there, you don’t want to become this fella’s next sideshow.” She was met with their tacit silence.

  “Hi, there, ladies. You two here for the tour?”

  “So you’re open?” Connie asked eagerly.

  “Yes, ma’am. If you just pull your car in right over yonder in that clear spot, I’ll set you up with some tickets. We had some cancellations today, so I can take just you two around. Best put your top up and close your winders so your little dog can’t get out. The gators would love them a nice meaty little snack, you know.”

  Connie nodded and quickly pulled into the sandy area their guide had designated. She leaned forward and whispered loudly, “Okay, guys, I’m going to roll the windows up like he said, but you can unwind them if you need to, just make sure nobody else is looking first. There’s ice in the cooler by you and the lid is open.”

  “Uh huh. Just you come back before an hour is up.” Nelson narrowed his eyes at her as he spoke.

  “I will, I’ll make an excuse to come check on your guys,” she promised before shutting her door.

  “Everything all right?” the man asked her.

  “Uh, yeah. I was looking for my earring, the back fell off. I’ve got it now,” she said, fiddling with the stud in her ear.

  “Right, right. You and my Betty Sue are just the same. She loves her gee-gaws and make up.”

  Connie nodded as Lexie rolled her eyes behind the man’s back. He disappeared into the trailer to get Lexie change from her paying him while Connie fussed about the car.

  “Could he get more stereotypical? He does know folks don’t expect an act like that, right?” Lexie whispered. She straightened up as he made a reappearance.

  “And here’s your buck fifty change. Welcome to Ricky’s Dino World, where you can mingle with the mighty beasts of old while their modern descendents rule here. Keep your hands in the cart, unless you want to lose a finger or three,” he said, wriggling his left hand in the air. Both women gasped. They’d not noticed he was missing his pinky and ring finger on that hand before. He cackled in delight. “That’s right, I lost my fingers to a young one.”

  He led them to a golf cart. It was tatty, with tree sap on the roof and tears on the upholstery mended with silver duct tape. A small wagon with a bench seat was hitched to it. “In you go, ladies.”

  Lexie gave Connie a look promising retribution later as she climbed into the dubious conveyance. Once they were seated, the man straightened up and dropped the hick act.

  “Good afternoon, ladies, I’m Ricky, owner and your tour guide for today here at Ricky’s Dino World. Today, I will take your through the primeval forest and introduce you to the wonders of the majestic beasts that roamed our earth ten million years ago.” He climbed into the golf cart and turned the ignition. For a moment, Lexie thought she was going to be let off this ad
venture scot free. Then with a sickly sputter, the engine caught and they began to move down the dirt cart track.

  “On your left you will see an Apptasaurus.” The sisters looked at each other, certain that was decidedly not the correct name for the dinosaur.

  “Why is there a Flintstone car there?” Connie interrupted. “There, behind the dino, and is that..that’s a drive-in sign!”

  Ricky coughed. “I assure you those are NOT anything to do with the Flintstones. They’re just, ah, fun props so folks can immerse themselves in this world, first person-like. See, no roof on that car and it’s painted green. Fred’s car ain’t green, now is it? And the uh, drive-in sign must have been dumped.”

  Connie slammed her mouth shut and gave him her best ‘yeah, right,look’. She remembered the intro scene to the vintage cartoon. There definitely had been a drive in with a brontosaurus in it. Or as Ricky called it, an Apptasaurus. She reckoned he meant Apatosaurus.

  He reddened and turned away. “It’s different. Those copyright people are harsh, let me tell you. So, not the Flintstones. Please don’t say it’s The Flintstones.”

  The cart resumed its movement. “But as large as the Apptasaurus was, he still had reason to fear! The mighty T-Rex could take him down!”

  Lexie tried to hide her look of disappointment. The T-Rex statue had half his jaw missing and his paint had nearly flaked away. “Looks like he lost a fight,” she said as she realized Ricky was waiting for a response.

  “Oh yes, well, I got these second hand,” he confided. “There was this place in Kansas, off one of them prairie highways what had everything disappear after the Interstate came along. They just stayed there and then the guy’s grandson up and sold the land to some developer so he sold this lot at auction. He was already broke. I plan to fix him, though. I just gotta find a guy who can do it and won’t rob me blind.”

  “So, you’re like preserving a piece of history,” Connie said.

  “Yes, that’s right,” he replied, his voice dripping with satisfaction. “I’m so glad you understand and appreciate it.”

  The cart began to move again, with another three dinosaur statues that had seen better days, littered with the odd bit of ‘not The Flintstones’ homemade looking kitsch that seemed to be made of concrete. The paint was faded and flaking off all of it. He turned the cart around and headed back the way they came. “What about the gators?” Connie asked.

  “Didn’t you look? They was hiding. Bet you thought they was logs.”

  Connie narrowed her eyes, half certain they were being cheated. Lexie was more than half certain. She glanced at her phone. The whole tour had taken all of twenty minutes and had cost them eighteen dollars and fifty cents. As they rounded the final bend and the trailer came back into view, they were surprised to spot an old yellow school bus parked next to their car.

  “Ah, Betty Sue’s home.”

  “She drives a school bus?”

  “Yep and they had a field trip this morning,” he said, pulling in to where he kept the golf cart parked. A woman came bounding out of the trailer. For once, Connie felt lost for words. Betty Sue was something else. She had obviously dyed brassy blonde hair cut in a style the girls had last seen on their great aunts in the late 70s. It was teased, curled, and lacquered in true Southern big hair fashion of the aunt’s youthful era. It was also apparent by what Ricky had meant by way of the word ‘gee-gaws’. Large plastic pearl button earrings with golden metal filigree sat in her ears and a gold colored brooch on her chest glittered with colored paste gems. Bangles of every description ringed her arms. She had long, red polished nails that clutched a cigarette that Connie would bet dinner over was a Virginia Slim. Harsh smoker’s lines pinched her scarlet mouth as she regarded the trio through eyes that neither Lexie nor Connie were sure how they’d stayed open, due to the weight of the blue eyeshadow and clumps of mascara on them.

  “There you are, Cooter. I saw the car and thought, Lawd, you actually got customers today.” Betty Sue said.

  “It’s Ricky when I’m working,” he reminded her, sharply.

  “Only because Jeff thought you’d changed your name to that,” Betty Sue retorted.

  Ricky gave the sisters a glance as they edged their way past, back towards their car.

  “Wait, you get a picture to take home. Betty Sue, go grab the Polaroid outta the bedroom closet.”

  Betty Sue took a puff on her cigarette as she turned away.

  “I, uh, changed my name from Cooter, cuz, well, people don’t take a name like that seriously, right? Plus, I wanted to start over.”

  “Oh, no,” Lexie moaned softly.

  “No, no, I didn’t do nuthin’ bad, not really. It was a misunderstanding. See, old Mike up the road couldn’t drive no more, so, I’d check his mailbox for him and take his Social Security check to the check cashing place for him. Well, the last three times, he never came to the door for me to give him his money. He always let me keep some for gas and a burger while I was out, so everytime I went to go see if he was in, I took some out to cover my gas. Then one day, I went to check his mail and I took out his check and went to cash it for him as normal and cops arrested me. Seems old Mike’s sister had sent her son down from Tuscaloosa and he’d fetched old Mike to there. She was having him change his checks to there and they said I done stole that money and I went to jail for it. But Mike, he was real sorry, he gave me some money to buy these dinos even so I could start over because my job was gone and nobody’d hire me, not even my old boss at the chicken plant.”

  “That sounds…unfortunate…” Lexie said as Betty Sue appeared.

  “You telling these nice folks your troubles?”

  “Well, I had to explain why I'd changed my name from Cooter John to Randy Daryl.”

  “But the sign says Ricky’s”, Connie said

  “That’s because Jeff was drunk the day he painted it as a favor. He got it in his head Cooter was down in Tallahassee changing his name to Ricky Nelson,” Betty Sue added.

  Connie started laughing. “Seriously?”

  “Yeah. Jeff always got things twisted around when he got to drinking too many Budweisers. He’d drank a whole damned case before he even got started on my sign,” Randy Daryl said.

  Betty Sue had put out her her cigarette at some point before returning. “I’ve put fresh film in it,” she said lifting it up. “Ya’ll go stand by the sign and I’ll take your picture. You want one or two?”

  “Two please.”

  “Thank you, Betty Sue,” Connie said after she’d snapped the photos. “I had no idea you could even still buy film for those.”

  “Yeah, you go to the flea market and job lot auctions, you find a lot of interestin’ stuff. Or you can just go to K-mart.”

  Lexie picked up her photo and fanned it, hoping to get it to finish developing. “Yes, thank you so much, ah, Randy Daryl and Betty.”

  “Betty Sue,” Randy Daryl corrected her. “There’s also a Betty at the post office, they were in the same class all through school. She’s Betty Ann.”

  “Right, sorry, Betty Sue. Anyways, we need to get going, we have to go check in to our motel and all, and the bugs are biting.” She swatted at her calf where one was doing its best vampire impression.

  Betty Sue sniffed and pulled another cigarette out of a packet she had in her pants pocket. Connie was surprised to see they were, in fact, not Virginia Slims. They were Kools.

  “Huh,” she said, slapping her cheek where one of the blood sucking insects tried to feast. “Um, bye! Hope you get some more customers and find the guy to fix your dino!” Connie called out. They climbed into their car.

  “Finally,” Nelson groused.

  Lexie looked over the back of her seat. “Are you guys seriously sitting in the coooler?”

  “Yes?” Nash said, his tone asking her if she had a problem with that.

  “Okay, guess it’s better than roasting.”

  Connie started the car. “No more diversions,” Lexie told her. “Just find th
at motel we saw the sign for and stop.”

  Connie backed out of the clearing and turned to face the highway. Lexie rolled her window down. “Okay, Connie said, “next stop, The Bide-a-Wee Road Motel.”

  “There’s mosquitos in here,”Nash complained.

  “A skeeter way, a skeeter way…woo woo wooooo…” Nelson howled as he butchered the famous songs.

  “It’s supposed to be lions,” Nash said to him, and stop yowling. You’re hurting my ears. Howling right next to my ear like that.”

  “People fleas, that’s what they’re like,” Connie said. “I’m gonna need me some Benadryl when we stop.”

  “They’re nothing like fleas,” Lexie replied. “Except for how they make you itch. And yeah, I got some Benadryl packed in my bags. Just not before we stop for the night. That stuff knocks you out.”

  They came to another weathered billboard. “Bide-a-Wee Road Motel, five miles,” Connie read out loud. “I’m so damned itchy, this is gonna be the longest 6 minutes of my life. We pull in, I’m gonna take that medicine right there in the parking lot, swig it right down with one of those Yoo-hoos.”

  Lexie nodded. “At least it was just skeeters biting us,” she joked. “Poor Ricky-Daryl-Cooter or whatever his name was, got bit worse.”

  Connie giggled. “If that story was even true. I didn’t see a single danged gator!”

  Chapter 9

  When Two’s Not Company

  “Dang, I am about to claw my leg off,” Lexie said.

  “Hold on, it’s just right up here and look, the ‘No’ in the No vacancy sign isn’t lit,” Connie replied.

  “I need a bath in the sink,” Nash said. “The p.b. between my toes is not coming off. And no, Nelson, I don’t care if it’s a ‘dog thing’ as you put it, you are not licking me to get it off!”

  “Okay, okay, I was just trying to help, you grumpy rat bastard,” Nelson grumbled. “Sheesh.”

  “And here we are,” Connie announced as she pulled into the tarmac parking lot. Lexie rocketed out of her door to get her case with the allergy pills in it. “Next damned time, I am keeping these in my purse!” she vowed.